I wish it didn't hurt so much
by Travelling Giraffe
Summary: A Jelly Story.I wish it didn't hurt so much, but it does. Jen finds Tilly's diary, but will it change anything between them?


**I wish it didn't hurt so much.**

**I haven't decide whether to post another chapter to Just friends...had never intended on it being more than one chapter. So in the meantime I thought I'd post you this instead. This is just a one shot.**

**The lines from Tilly's diary are actually what she had written in her diary in that episode before Jen ended it. ****I own nothing. **

"There is nothing for you to do. You just don't get it, do you?" Jen asked rhetorically.

"It's not you I don't trust. It's myself."

Tilly looked stunned and defeated.

"I'm sorry" Jen said walking away.

That conversation was almost a month ago, yet Jen continued to replay it over and over in her head. How could things be so messed up? She stupidly believed that if she ended things with Tilly she could make her feelings disappear and everything would be 'normal' again. Jen had also told herself it was the right thing to do. After all she had wanted to be a teacher for years. And having any kind of relationship with Tilly, a student, her student was a sure way of jeopardising that.

Once she discovered Tilly was a student Jen tried so very hard to switch off the feelings she'd developed on the beach. She'd tried to just be a teacher, perhaps a friend to Tilly, but it hadn't lasted long. It had soon developed into something no-one could describe as just friends. Then the rumours started round college thanks to a photo Esther had captured on open day of Jen touching Tilly's hand. Jen had stupidly accused Tilly of telling someone when actually it was her own mistake. That's when Jen knew it had to stop. She couldn't trust herself around Tilly. The temptation to touch her, to be with her was too great. So she had to end it.

However a month later, Jen still couldn't stop thinking about Tilly. She wanted to tell Tilly about her day, spend time with her, and curl up with her on the sofa. The photo that Esther had taken was still in the white envelope Tilly had given it her in, tucked into the draw beside her bed. As much as Jen had wanted it to change, to show something else, to make it less real, it was still imprinted in her head. She didn't think she would ever forget it. And Jen still wasn't sure how telling Tilly they couldn't see each other had helped. She could see by the look on Tilly's face at the time that she was devastated, and a month later Jen still felt like she had ripped out a really important part of her life. And as much as it pained and shocked her to admit it, not being around Tilly hadn't changed the fact she had fallen for her rather beautiful student.

Tilly hadn't managed to forget about Jen either. She was sat on her bed at home, letting her mind wander to thoughts of the teacher. Despite the fact Tilly hadn't seen her in almost a week at college. She couldn't help it. Jen was beautiful, captivating and just generally inspiring. How could someone not fall for her? Though deep down she knew Jen had done the right thing. However much it hurt, Tilly knew that they would never be together if Jen was to fulfil her dreams of teaching. After all she was only 16. She could never ask or expect anyone to give up on a dream for her, especially someone as amazing as Jen. That would be so selfish. However just occasionally Tilly wished being selfish was an option. She had written in her diary so many times over the last month that she wanted nothing more than to tell Jen about her day, listen to Jen talk about art and watch her face as she talked about something she was obvious passionate about. To be able to just hang out with her and noting else matter. But it was a memory, a dream, and however much she disliked it that was how it was going to stay.

Jen was walking through the village when she saw Tilly for the 1st time in almost a week. Her heart surged with a whole host of emotions she'd been willing herself not to feel. Tilly was sat outside college coffee writing in a notebook. She thankfully hadn't noticed Jen walking past, nor had she noticed the slightly intense stare Jen had on her face as she'd walked by either.

_This is ridiculous Jen thought to herself. I know I can't have her. She is my student! But she is so smart and beautiful and I can't turn those feelings off however hard I try. Why couldn't things have been different._

Jen hid almost out of sight, to wanting to continue to watch Tilly a moment longer. Maddie and some of the other students had joined her, and without anyone realising Tilly's notebook had been knocked off the table and under a nearby chair. Jen continued to watching them from her hiding place, as the students interacted with each other.

_Tilly isn't the same Jen thought. She has lost her spark. She seems a bit withdrawn and sad almost. God I hope that isn't down to me._

Suddenly the students got up, some of them linking arms, leaving the cafe and Tilly's notebook under the chair. Jen let them leave before going over to pick it up, considering whether to run after them. But that would mean Tilly would know she was watching her. It was bad enough Jen had feelings for Tilly, and that she'd stop them seeing each other, without appearing to be a crazy stalker as well. She would just give it to one of her friends at college tomorrow. Tucking the book into her satchel Jen continued her walk through the village in the direction of home.

Tilly was in full blown panic now. She had lost her diary! And not just the one you wrote appointments and birthdays in. Her journal diary with some of her most private thoughts and feelings in it. She knew she had had it at college coffee, but now couldn't find it anywhere. It hadn't been handed in (she been back to ask), it wasn't anywhere to be seen around the table she was sitting at and it definitely wasn't in her bag. No-one could find that diary. It had all her deepest secrets in it, including her forbidden feelings about Jen. If anyone found it and read it then Jen's career would be over and it would definitely be all her fault.

_Now what do I do? Text Jen and admit that I write a diary, admit that I still have feelings for her, admit that they are written down in a diary that I can't find? God I couldn't do that. It's not fair. But then again neither is ending Jen's whole dream and career based on a few notebook pages that she knows nothing about. _

And just to make the whole situation 100 times worse, the only person Tilly wanted to hold her, tell her it would be okay, and make everything alright was Jen.

The TV was on in the living room, however Jen wasn't really watching it. Laying on the sofa Jen's mind instead kept taking her back to having seen Tilly earlier that afternoon, and the notebook. Jen knew it was none of her business what was in the notebook, nor did she have any right to read it. She kept telling herself that she was curious in case it was important. Tilly might be panicking about having lost it. Although deep down Jen knew that wasn't the truth. She continued to half show some interest in the TV for another 10 minutes before leaning across into her bag and pull the notebook out. _I'll just look inside the cover. See if it tells me what it is?_ she told herself. However as she opened the front cover her world became a whole lot more complicated.

_Diary of Tilly Evans_

Jen's heart leapt into her mouth. _Why_ _of all the things for I could find did I have to find Tilly's diary! And not just her calendar diary either. Why couldn't it just have been her general studies notes or revision?_ But no of course that would be far too sensible and logical. Jen had no idea what to do now. Tilly, if she had realised it was missing, was probably having a full blown panic. Most people wouldn't want anyone else to see their diary. And Jen didn't even know what was in this one. She imagined somewhere in it there would be something about her. Good or bad she wasn't sure but Jen expected she existed. Tilly would probably be reassured to know it was in relatively safe hands. However, how Jen was going to explain to Tilly how she had ended up with her diary, without sounding like a dodgy stalker she had no idea. And now of course on top of all this, Jen had this really bad curiosity to see what was inside. It was wrong on so many levels. But Jen was desperate to know whether she had managed to hurt Tilly as much as she hurt herself. And if Tilly still cared as much as Jen still did?

After some creative thinking, Jen finally came up with a plausible reason for having the diary and composed a text to send to Tilly.

Message to: Tilly

Hey. I was given a notebook at college coffee earlier. The girl said she thought it was yours and could I give it back to you. Not sure if it's important, but you can come and get it when you want. Jen

Jen decided it wasn't really appropriate to put a kiss at the end of the text, however much she wanted to. It was her that had ended it after all, so she shouldn't be sending out mixed messages. That certainly wasn't fair to a girl who meant to much to her and that she had managed to mess about so brilliantly.

Tilly's phone vibrated on her table.

1 new message from Jen.

_Great Tilly thought. Just what I need in the middle of a huge panic. A message from Jen. What does she want?_

Tilly hadn't had any contact with Jen outside of lectures at college since Jen had said nothing could happen. Yet despite the oddness of this sudden message, Tilly's heart still leapt at seeing the message, at the thought of Jen. However Tilly froze upon reading Jen's message.

_This can't be happening to me. It's all a bad dream, which I am about to wake up from. _

Not only had she managed to lose her diary. But the one person whose career it could end had found it to give it back to her. Tilly didn't know whether to laugh or cry. At least she hadn't unintentionally ended Jen's career. That had to be a plus. Nor had she completely lost her diary. Of all the people to keep it safe, Jen was the person she trusted most with it. Despite all the heartache Jen had caused Tilly, she still occupied a huge amount of Tilly's thoughts. And now she had a reason to go and see Jen in order to get it back. Maybe she would get an inkling of whether Jen still had feelings like hers, that however hard she tried she just couldn't get rid of. Tilly carefully thought of a reply to Jen's message.

New message to: Jen

Thank god it's safe. Panic over. It's quite important. You haven't read any of it, have you?

Tilly asked trying to sound casual and relieved, without giving away what it was.

Jen's reply soon pinged back.

New message to: Tilly

Only opened the cover to see if you're name was in it, which it is. It's none of my business to read it. But I'll keep it safe until you collect it.

Part of Tilly wanted Jen to open it and read a page or two. It would perhaps make Jen see how miserable she had made Tilly, yet at the same time how much Tilly cared about her.

Jen had decided that bed was the best place to be. After all in her dreams none of this was real and she could just be whoever and have whatever she wanted. She wasn't watching the TV after all, despite the fact it was still fairly early. However as Jen got up from her position on the sofa she accidentally knocked the diary onto the floor, causing it to fall open. Jen bent over the pick it up, noticing Tilly's handwriting on the open page in front of her.

_I just wish it didn't hurt so much_. Jen's heart instantly broke into what felt like a million pieces. Tilly meant so much to her and it killed her to know that she was the cause of all this pain. She turned the page without really thinking about it and read on.

_I still can't believe it's over. I really let myself believe everything would be ok. However hard I try, I just can't stop thinking about you. I can't concentrate because all I see is you. How did it all go so wrong? I would never want to derail us. How would you believe that of me? I couldn't imagine you would.__  
__My love. My light. My darkness. My night.__  
__I still can't believe it's over. I really let myself believe we could be happy together.__  
__I wish I knew how to make things right…. But I know it's too late.__  
__I wish I could tell you about my day. And moan to you about all the things that rile me.__  
__I wish I could smell your perfume on my pillow.__  
__I guess I want you to know I'm thinking about you, or maybe what I really want to know is if you're thinking about me._

Jen felt a warm tear roll down her face. _You're all I ever think about. Life just isn't the same without you. I know you would never do anything to damage what we had. I want it back...so much._

Her heart well and truly shattered. She had really hurt the one person who didn't deserve any of this. How had all this ended up such a mess? "Oh Tilly" she whispered. She shut the diary holding it up to her chest. Heading upstairs, she lay it on the empty pillow as she let her emotions finally got the better of her. Jen had absolutely no intention of reading any more of the diary. What she had seen was enough. Guilt was wracking through her amongst the tears that steadily fell down her face. In trying to do the right thing all Jen had actually managed to do was seemingly break 2 hearts, making them both miserable in the process. She lay curled up on her bed crying for quite some time longer, constantly thinking of Tilly. In a sudden urge, a moment of insanity perhaps, collecting herself Jen grabbed her phone and composed a message.

1 new message to: Tilly

I have to see you. Jen x

She pressed send before she could change her mind, knowing deep down that she didn't want to anyway.

Tilly was still up doing her college work. Her grades and studies were important to her and therefore she spent much more time than her peers getting her work done. The vibration sound of her phone against the desk made her jump, though it wasn't unusual for someone to be texting her at this time of night.

1 new message from Jen.

Tilly's heart jumped in her chest. Just because she knew nothing could happen between her and Jen, didn't mean she didn't really want to see her. Just for a chat, a friendly face, someone she could relate to. Tilly looked at the clock. It was in theory possible to go now. However it was beginning to get late. She replied to Jen's message:

When? Could come now? x

"As soon as possible" was Jen's reply.

Tilly knocked on Jen's door no more than 20 minutes later, having walked over. Jen opened the door, checking to see no-one was watching them.

"I didn't think you'd actually come. Especially tonight" Jen explained.

"I'm not really tired so now seemed as good a time as any. And you know I wouldn't turn down an opportunity to see you" Tilly smiled as if she was suddenly self conscious. Tilly never had been any good at admitting her feelings and it still didn't feel natural to her.

There was then a long pause. When Jen had sent the message saying she needed to see Tilly it had seemed like a good idea. But honestly Jen hadn't been expecting Tilly to turn up tonight, nor had she thought about exactly what she wanted to say. Well at least not in a logical coherent conversation. Jen could quite easily spill her guts, but she didn't think that was appropriate somehow. Tilly deserved so much better.

"You weren't in bed were you?" Tilly suddenly asked feeling bad for arriving so late.

"Kind of," Jen said not elaborating further. Things felt awkward between them, which was the last thing either of them had wanted.

"I'll go and get your diary" Jen said heading upstairs to her bedroom. Tilly considered waiting downstairs for Jen to return but decided she would quietly follow, curious to see what Jen's room looked like.

Tilly found Jen sat on her bed, holding the diary in her hands, eyes closed taking a deep breath trying to compose herself. Tilly saw how vulnerable she looked, how beautiful she was just sat there. She saw a sadness that Tilly had seen in Jen before. The day Jen ended things between them. Trying not to make Jen jump, Tilly walked across the room and sat down on the bed beside her, slowly taking Jen's hands she covered them with her own in reassurance.

Jen looked up and the red head now sat close to her on her bed. She was trying so hard not to stare but she couldn't help it. Tilly was beautiful and there was just something about her that captivated Jen.

"Did you read it?" Tilly suddenly asked.

"No...kind of. Not intentionally" Jen rambled in reply.

"It's okay" Tilly reassured "Once I knew you had it, I wasn't worried if you did. It almost explains me better than I can out loud. I don't do talking about my feelings. That's my way of letting them out."

"I knocked it off my coffee table earlier after I'd text you and it fell open. I only read the page it fell open on" Jen tried to justify herself to Tilly. Tilly could by the way she spoke, the pages Jen had read had made her sad. Tilly felt kind of guilty, but at the same time perhaps Jen now had some idea how she felt

There was yet another pause, though less uncomfortable than before. They were just enjoying each other's closeness.

"I'm really sorry" Jen suddenly breaking the silence.

"What for?"

"Everything. For reading your diary, for being a complete bitch, for breaking your heart," Jen trailed off.

Tilly looked at Jen and saw the guilt and pain in her eyes. Tilly could tell Jen had never intended on any of this. It had just happened, and the conflict this whole situation was causing her was portrayed across her face.

"It's okay" Tilly said taking Jen's hand and stroking her fingers.

"No its not. You didn't deserve any of this. I stupidly thought that if I stopped seeing you that my feelings for you would go away. That everything would go back to normal and I'd just be a student teacher again. But it hasn't worked. I can't stop thinking about you Tilly. I want you. I want to be a teacher more than anything else in the world. It's a dream I've had since I was much younger than you. And having anything to do with you could well jeopardise that. I'm still not sure I can trust myself around you, but I can't live like this. I'm miserable. I miss not having someone to tell about my day, to share art with. I miss just being able to curl up with you, smell you on my pillow at night."

Tilly looked at Jen who was looking down at her knees, holding back the tears.

"Jen" Tilly began getting Jen to look at here "You're right you did break my heart." Jen winched at Tilly's admission. "But" Tilly squeezed Jen's hands as reassurance, "You're definitely not a bitch. I know you didn't plan for any of this, or do it intentionally. I've watched you teach. I can see it in your eyes. There's a twinkle, an enthusiasm as you try to inspire others with what you're teaching them. And the way you light up as you see your students get what you are talking about. I couldn't imagine ever asking you to give that up, especially for me"

Jen looked up amazed.

"And don't worry about the diary. Im glad it was you who found it," Tilly admitted. "I guess this is the time to be honest." There was a pause while Tilly took a deep breath, considering how to admit feelings out loud. "You know I still have feelings for you too, right? How could I not? You're amazing, inspiring, passionate, and beautiful. Feelings like that are pretty hard to turn off. I want nothing more than to just curl up with you and just chat about our days, about all the things getting on my nerves. Hear about how your teaching practice is going" Tilly smiled.

"I know" Jen sighed, looking tired and exhausted. Thinking all this through was exhausting. She just wished all this could be simple.

"The rumours from college have completely disappeared. No-one knew anything anyway. No-one suspects anything. If you can trust yourself around me...we still have that possibility. Even just as friends," Tilly suggested.

"Tilly" Jen said as if warning her, trying to resist temptation, but not really knowing what to say next.

"I promise I'd stick to any rules that were set. I'd not have anything to do with you at College. I'd never tell anyone. I miss you Jen. But it's your choice. You have to decide what you want."

"I miss you too. More than I ever imagined was possible," Jen agreed. "We'd have to be so careful. I can't risk it ever getting out again. My career means more to me than anything. Even you. But things don't feel right without you"

Jen looked at Tilly, more intensely now. Deep down she knew she had made the decision the moment she text Tilly earlier in the evening. However looking at her now, cemented that in her mind.

Jen slowly lent forward and stroked Tilly's cheek, before cupping Tilly's face in her hand. Her skin was so soft. Jen withdrew her hand knowing she shouldn't want to touch Tilly, sighing with turmoil. Tilly shuffled closer to Jen wrapping her arms around her. She expected Jen to pull awau, but she didn't, she slowly wrapped her arms round Tilly in return. Tilly wanted to do so much more, and knew deep down that Jen did too. But right now, the comfort and support that having her arms wrapped round each other provided was more than enough.

Jen felt safe with Tillys arms wrapped round her. There was no pressure, no rules, nobody watching. She didn't have to fit into anything other than being Jen. Where they went from here Jen had no idea. She knew how she felt. Deep down nothing had changed; her feelings for Tilly were still as brilliant as ever. She was about to say something but was halted by Tilly.

"Don't. Don't say anything. Let's just enjoy the feeling, the moment. What happens next I have no idea, but just for tonight I have you and you have me and that's enough, right? Let's not spoil that."

Jen smiled, wondering how she'd fallen for such a mature, level-headed, beautiful young women. But knew now that she had fallen for her and that giving up this feeling was going to be mighty hard. Drifting off to sleep in each other's arms nothing else mattered. They were just 2 young people, very slightly in love, enjoying time together. No judgements, no need to justify their actions to anyone. Reality could most definitely wait.


End file.
